This coming Monday I am going to look a little bit like this picture of Spiderman. Not slinging webs, not fighting bad guys or upside-down kissing anyone while I hang from a building. Just sitting, writing and being radioactive. Recently I found out that my thyroid was messed up with hypothroidism and that I’d have to undergo radioactive iodine treatment to cure it. Basically I have been unable to make it through the day without taking a nap, going to bed ridiculously early and having crazy mood swings. Most mornings I wake up feeling hung-over because I’m so sluggish. I have just felt like a giant loser because I can’t get much done or hang out with my husband after the kids go to bed. Add to that crazy mood swings and you get a pretty crazy cranky person.
Because I’ll be radioactive I can’t sleep in the same bed as my husband, can’t kiss or hold my kids, and be 8-feet away from anyone at a given time. I was sad and panicky when I first was told this wondering- “how the heck am I going to be able to make dinner and get the kids ready in the morning if I’m not even able to put their coats? I can’t do that to my husband- to be at home but completely unavailable to him and the kids!”
Then my wonderful husband agreed to let me take a writing and reflecting retreat since I need to be alone anyways. So for 36 hours I’ll be at a friends beautiful cottage overlooking a river and working on a book proposal to InterVarsity Press about living a life filled with joyful witness. It’s been difficult to grab a couple hours here or there to work on it, have the energy and space for an uninterrupted creative flow where my muse shows up and sparks me with new ideas. I feel so close to getting to the things finished that IVP has requested of my proposal- I just have needed the space and energy to git r’ done. So while I’m radioactive I’ll be doing the following:
- Relishing the silence. Between my flaming extrovert of a husband, my exuberant boys and the internal noise in my life I cannot wait to get to the quiet. The older I get (or perhaps more kids I have) I crave silence and solitude.
- Writing and revising like crazy. I usually work best when I can hop out of bed, brew some coffee and get my ideas out when they flow quickly and easily in the early morning.
- Feeling guilty about being gone from my boys…again. I was away for work last week and the day after I got home my 5 year old woke up yelling “MOMMY! Don’t leave us!!” Insert heartbreaking mom moment here. Thankfully Reuben does understand and prayed for me to get better soon when he was in Sunday school this morning at church.
- Taking naps. Looking out the window at the grey trees. Listening to the sounds of birds. Possibly driving to a Lake Erie park nearby to watch the waves.
- Praying, journaling and reading. As Al Hsu of IVP has said- “read yourself full, write yourself empty.” It’s going to be a literary binge and purge fest over the next few days.