marriage,  sex,  spirituality

the toys in your room

This post is exactly about what you think this title means.


One of my friends hosts an adult equivalent of a tupperware party for people who want to liven up their marriage and try some new things. All the ordering and shipping is done completely privately and the hostess shares the products which range from tame to things I’ve never even heard  in fun and informative ways.

I brought this subject up with a friend who is married and a Christian. I said that I thought it would be fun to host a party like this for my married friends and would be great especially for Christian people who often feel so uncomfortable talking about sex even though God created us as sexual beings! This sparked a huge debate about everything from the theology of sex, the comfort level of Christians talking about sex in marriage and why couples might want to add anything into their marriage bed besides their own bodies. My friends thought was that it was too controversial of a subject for me to host a party that dealt with this topic.

I should say that I know that even bringing up this subject I might offend someone- I’m not writing this to be vulgar, to disrespect sex or to condemn anyone who may or may not want to use whatever might tickle their fancy. If I offend you, I’m sorry. I thought twice about posting this blog since this is an edgy and controversial subject. But since I believe that Christians should engage in thoughtful ways in every area of life- including sex and anything related to sex I wanted to see what others thought about this topic. I know this could spark more debate but here are the questions I’m wondering:

  • Is it appropriate for Christian married couples to use whatever they might enjoy in their bedroom as long as they’re both comfortable with it & agree that it enhances their relationship rather than degrades it? Awhile ago, a friend of mine who was engaged shared the website book 22 which shares:

    The twenty-second book of the Bible is Song of Solomon. We believe that God intended that such love, as spoken of in Song of Solomon, be a beautiful and normal part of marital life. Unfortunately this gift from God has been grossly distorted and abused by both ancient and modern people. Book22 is offering quality products to enhance the intimate life of God’s children. Our hope is that our products will serve as intimacy enhancers for your marriage.

    It seems like part of the difficulty of this topic is that sex has been so distorted and degraded by each of us that it can be difficult to know what is helpful and what is harmful. Even things that  may be innocuous can become harmful because of our own areas and history of sexual brokenness and distortion. It seems that part of what needs to happen in marriage to cultivate intimacy is to talk, pray and ask for healing in these areas of brokenness.

  • Is it appropriate to host a party for married Christian women to explore options of what might enhance their sexual relationship with their husbands? Is it o.k. to have fun, laugh talk about and be inquisitive about sex- one of the most wonderful gifts God has given us?
I'm sure there are even people who would say that red satin sheets are of the devil! crazy.
  • Here’s a more personal question- would you go to a party like this? Would you be offended if someone invited you to a party like this? If you’re a person of faith what do you think about this topic?

Sometimes I hate that I think about everything so much. Would life be easier if I just responded and dealt with the consequences later? A post like this reminds me that sometimes questions like this only spark more questions rather than answers. But maybe, if you’re married this post will spark something else for you…..;)


Marvin's philosophy on sex: "If the spirit moves you, let me groove you."




  • Danielle

    Thanks for tackling such a juicy and controversial subject; I think it is one that needs to be more openly discussed amongst Christians…

    In response to your first question, my husband and I agree that it is fine and appropriate to enjoy such things as long as “both are comfortable with it & agree that it enhances their relationship rather than degrades it.” In addition to this we both agree that the process of buying should be done strategically (I’m not going to send my husband into a sex-toy store or online and expect him to think like a saint, etc). Also, we don’t feel that toys, etc should be used to divert attention from a deeper underlying problem. If something is lacking in our love life we try to figure out why and address that issue(s) rather than juicing things up with extra help.

    As for the second & third questions, I think every couple needs to decide how open they are comfortable being – how much can be shared and what stays in the bedroom (or kitchen or living room or dining room, you get the idea). For us, this line of openness varies depending on who we are sharing with. In general, regardless of how open I may be, first and foremostly, I need to respect my husband’s wishes – my right to share ends where his right to privacy begins, and vice-versa. SO, would I go to one of these parties – Yes, probably, if my husband is comfortable with it and I am comfortable with the women.

    Above all, go have fun!

  • Kristin

    GREAT POST! LOVE IT LOVE IT! I would totally go to a party would not be offended. God is the creator of all things, including sex, so enjoy as long as both spouses are fine with it!

  • April

    I am one of those people who doesn’t think that toys are a good idea. But that could be because I think that if you need toys, then you have an underlying problem elsewhere in your relationship that is not being discussed. Afterall, God made us to work properly all by ourselves, right? But then I grapple with the issue of being a hypocrite, because I welcome technological advancements in all other areas of my life, but not this one.

    Good questions, and sorry that I have no answers. But you were expecting that. 😉

  • Lorilee

    As someone who has written a couple of books on married sex, I know all too well how sensitive Christians can be–and not in a good way. I remember one publisher going back and forth five times over what to call a “butt” (my word). “Bottom” to me was a total mom word, and not in keeping with the story, about a man who pats his wife on the butt and sends a clear message of intention. Finally, “backside” was deemed acceptable! In another book I mentioned, because some of my readers had mentioned it to me as a good resource. Well, that was quickly taken out by a certain Christian organization I was working with as being too “racy.” Heaven forbid anything should ever race…
    All that to say, some people are just not going to get it, no matter how artfully and bravely you write about something. Sexuality is an explosive issue, for so many reasons. As for me, I’d go to a party, if someone invited me! 🙂

  • anonymous

    I’ve been a lurking reader on your blog, and had to comment when I saw this post — commenting anon, b/c I want to respect my husband’s privacy, too.
    In reference to the above comment about how “God made us to work properly all by ourselves” — I actually disagree pretty strongly. I would have said the same thing before I got married and started having sex. Technically, we “worked” but it wasn’t fun for me…and this was not AT ALL due to inability or unwillingness on the part of my man. I am willing to believe that as part of the brokenness of our humanity, things that were made to work properly might not, and with that in mind we finally decided to try some technological intervention. For us, that decision was a good one.
    And yes, a party — where I could see some things and get some info — would have been terrific!

    • Jessica

      Great comment anon! Thanks for sharing! I really agree with you- I’ve started to wonder why people don’t have a problem with things like a weekend get away to a bed and breakfast, a new haircut, or some scented candles to spark some romance but they do have a problem with other ways that might enhance pleasure and intimacy. I know so many Christian women who have struggled with not enjoying sex, like you say NOT because of the fault of their man, but because they felt like certain things were taboo, or worse, sinful. I strongly believe that with discernment, prayer and communication we can enjoy any of the things on God’s green earth to strengthen and enhance married sex.

  • Stephanie

    I think that there are several topics that we as Christians should talk more about, and sex is certainly one of them. I applaud you for going there, for talking about it, for opening up the discussion. My husband and I do believe that it is okay, as you said, “for Christian married couples to use whatever they might enjoy in their bedroom as long as they’re both comfortable with it & agree that it enhances their relationship rather than degrades it.” I believe that this decision is between the two people involved as to whether one thing feels right to include in their love making over something else. It’s all about communication, and if something doesn’t feel “right” for whatever reason, then either don’t do it or don’t use it or simply pray and ask God about it. He’ll let you know.

    Yes, I do think it would be appropriate to host a sex toy party where married Christian women can talk and laugh and learn together. How freeing that would be! Yes I would go to one, and no, I would not feel offended if invited to one.

    Great post, Jess!

    • Jessica

      Lorraine- I thought about addressing that & I even felt a little bad because this was such as “married” post & I know single people read my blog too. However, since that’s where I’m coming from at this point in my life, I thought it was best to tackle where I’m at. I do believe that sex is meant to foster love and intimacy between two married people, that it’s a gift from God intended for marriage. But when it’s one person and something with batteries…. it seems like that is just objectifying sex for ones own pleasure. This can happen as a single person or between married people (the objectification that is) so I would think that single or married, whatever we can do to honor God, ourselves and others as the sexual beings he created us to be- the better.

      • Lorraine


        so do you think God means for some people to just never have sex? and what about stress relief?! and (speaking hypothetically here, of course) what if it’s VERY infrequent? like, two or three times a year?

  • Kawless

    “Is it appropriate for Christian married couples to use whatever they might enjoy in their bedroom as long as they’re both comfortable with it & agree that it enhances their relationship rather than degrades it?”

    I would say Yes definitely.
    The only way to evaluate these things is with the serious study of scripture.
    I believe God’s real concern is about loyalty to one’s spouse.

    Heb 13:4
    Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled:
    but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

    “Is it appropriate to host a party for married Christian women..”
    Well I think some effort should be made so it doesn’t become an opportunity for gossip or comparing each other’s mates.
    I expect some people, particularly new believers, could be offended,
    so I recommend against carpet-bombing style advertising.

    “Here’s a more personal question- would you go to a party like this?”
    As a man, I little interest in attending.
    But if my wife wanted to go, I have no objection.

    “Would you be offended if someone invited you to a party like this?”
    Surprised most likely.
    I would only be offended if a party was promoting fornication or adultery.
    The person giving it should be a woman of good character.

    “If you’re a person of faith what do you think about this topic?”
    As long as they both consent, they can do whatever they want in the marriage bed.
    They will have to use their own judgement of course.

  • Sheila

    I am extremely tardy to the party here, but I saw your most recent post about Reuben and then noticed the tag on the side of your journal reading “married sex”. I was elated to see that! I love this post and I think this is an incredibly important topic. Having spoken to several married Christian women privately, I have never once known of a couple who did not have some struggles in the bedroom. It’s just human. As someone mentioned above, respecting your spouse’s wishes for privacy is key – which is why it’s so important to have a close and trustworthy friend or mentor to approach about some of these issues. With sex issues being such a commonly cited cause of divorce, I think it would really help for people to know that they’re not alone in their struggles, and that it’s okay in the Christian community to seek counsel and ‘marital aids’ in these areas!

    In fact, I’ve been musing about starting a Christian-focused marital aid store for months and I had no idea about Book22! It’s unfortunate that any such store you might venture into is full of pornography and other very unhelpful things when there are plenty of healthy, unobjectionable, and sometimes even necessary products that Christians can and should use.

    Thanks so much for your openness in posting this!!

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